Monkey See, Monkey Blahg...

G'morning and a pleasant day to all ye who enter.

I skipped the "song title" blahg title this morning but if you really want to know what it might have been, lets try, "Perfect Love Gone Wrong". (Sting)

I've been realizing how much I have changed. There has been so much growing up from child, to young man, to Adult. The last five years have been a tremendous departure from the 25 prior. And now approaching Thirty years of age, I'm beginning to feel that I am gaining some small measure of perspective. The last 12 years, from legal adult-hood to the mark of the third decade I can see that I am not the same person I once was. (I will also add that no one can or would be the same person after ten years...)

So what has shaped me more than anything in life so far? I think it's my desire for a perfect love. And how each time I have thought I had it it just fell away.

Music, music, music made me special, made me talented made me happy. Occupied all my free time as soon as I truly discovered it. And after a few years of being young and not knowing what to do with it, the fire faded and I was bored again.

And then there was church. As a youth, not being involved in really any kind of relationship, particularly of the girlfriend variety, I felt like I was so very much missing something. And then I found church, where I could build all these great relationships and friendships, learn new things and keep busy. Starting with Sundays, then Sundays and Tuesday nights. Before long I was buried in it everyday and night of the week that I could find something to occupy myself to keep my thoughts from straying to fact that I still felt something was missing. While not why I left, I knew I wasn't finding what I was looking for there.

So out in to the great blue world. Bands and music were a time filler, with that allure of "possibility". I have said on many occasions that I felt the potential to do something is equal to the task completed. (What a croc o' shit) "potential" and "possibility" That I might make a living doing something which comes easy to me. That being out on stage in the spot light that I might meet someone.

And I did, and for it's moment the dream was alive and well, and she was great, except not really. Infatuation is great. I was under the belief that I held something special and sacred. I had found the gold in the bottom of the river but came to find out later, it was only pyrite. And probably as doomed to fail as Rome right from the start. Crushed, dashed on the rocks on the shore of the rest of my life. The First love of my adult life was over before I had any idea of what that meant or how it changed me as a person.

So then for a brief moment back to music, that which had been with me all throughout and there went the band... I had all my faith and hope and trust in the band. This was it this was the one I had been practicing for my whole life. (insert the most annoying sound in the world here) wrong again.

And then the fling, oh yeah the fling. Mmmmmm. Well as much as it sucked that it didn't work out. I'm better for it and should've known better anyway. Not because of her, but because of me. And though I do believe I knew her better, than what she believed, and better than what maybe she thought I was ignorant of. I knew more than what I could accept. But I was still willing to accept it. But it was only my yearning for it to work that made it so painful when it didn't.

I said to Jon just a day or so ago, how my whole life I've felt like life starts at marriage. When you don't feel like your waiting for anything else in life. I'm pretty sure it's a cop-out. But right now it's what's working for me.

Or not, I don't know if this blahgs a statement or a question. And I know I haven't actually gotten to explaining how I feel that I have changed as a person. Bitter, calloused, resentful, disappointed, tired, lonesome all come to mind. But these aren't complete enough words together or alone to be truth.

Still working it out,
Brad