Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me?
Ok so, recovering from the seriousness of the previous post.....
Whatever right? anyway. As I face my "36 styles of danger" I've been wondering if the "vibes" I feel like I'm getting from the people around my life are just mirror reflections of my own feelings. Because I keep feeling like I have to be defensive, to prove or support the notion that I am right. That I am doing the right thing. That I am behaving and acting appropriately for the situation.. From my living situation, to the care of my dog, to my work ethics I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. But I wonder if it's just me wondering myself if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how often any of us are 100% certain of anything. I know at least one or two people who will never give the impression that they are less than certain. And I think that is part of what concerns me. I have a hard time trusting that. But I'm sure it's just because I can't seem to relate to it. SO anyway, how does one go about gaining that surety of purpose? Do you have to be born with it. Can you "Rally the troops" in your own mind until you have lost your doubts? Can I have a conversation with someone without interjecting how, I've been doing this or that to live up to my commitments and obligations. Why do I have to explain myself? Do I feel that no one trust me enough that I have to? Do they give me that feeling? Or do I have it all on my own? If I'm writing this I'm certain that I'm not confident in my own opinion of my situation. Yet when I feel like I have to defend my honor a million matchstick soldiers come to my defense of how I did this or that and am doing this or that and am only really obligated for this and that... how I shouldn't be scrutinized when I'm doing what I am without compensation. And how I feel I'm being begrudged that compensation when at this point I've more than earned it.
There I go again on the Defensive, where I don't want to be... where I don't think I should have to be.. And yet I always feel like I need to be. And yet I continue to exist. To evolve. To grow, learn and progress. So maybe tomorrow I'll have figured this out. Don't expect me to write about it again explaining myself again..
I'll be much too certain of myself for such self doubting rants as this... I hope.
Brad
Whatever right? anyway. As I face my "36 styles of danger" I've been wondering if the "vibes" I feel like I'm getting from the people around my life are just mirror reflections of my own feelings. Because I keep feeling like I have to be defensive, to prove or support the notion that I am right. That I am doing the right thing. That I am behaving and acting appropriately for the situation.. From my living situation, to the care of my dog, to my work ethics I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. But I wonder if it's just me wondering myself if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how often any of us are 100% certain of anything. I know at least one or two people who will never give the impression that they are less than certain. And I think that is part of what concerns me. I have a hard time trusting that. But I'm sure it's just because I can't seem to relate to it. SO anyway, how does one go about gaining that surety of purpose? Do you have to be born with it. Can you "Rally the troops" in your own mind until you have lost your doubts? Can I have a conversation with someone without interjecting how, I've been doing this or that to live up to my commitments and obligations. Why do I have to explain myself? Do I feel that no one trust me enough that I have to? Do they give me that feeling? Or do I have it all on my own? If I'm writing this I'm certain that I'm not confident in my own opinion of my situation. Yet when I feel like I have to defend my honor a million matchstick soldiers come to my defense of how I did this or that and am doing this or that and am only really obligated for this and that... how I shouldn't be scrutinized when I'm doing what I am without compensation. And how I feel I'm being begrudged that compensation when at this point I've more than earned it.
There I go again on the Defensive, where I don't want to be... where I don't think I should have to be.. And yet I always feel like I need to be. And yet I continue to exist. To evolve. To grow, learn and progress. So maybe tomorrow I'll have figured this out. Don't expect me to write about it again explaining myself again..
I'll be much too certain of myself for such self doubting rants as this... I hope.
Brad
posted by Brad O'Brien at 11:19 AM
1 Comments:
Is this where you really want to be?... Is this what you really want to do?...
When times get tough, are you strong enough - mentally?..
Post a Comment
<< Home