These Precious things

So it's Christmas.. Suppose I should say something heartfelt or hearwarming.
My first X-Mas in Maine, what does that mean.. Woke up to an empty house, empty mailbox, empty tree. On a high note, I got my stereo cranked with some good tunes.. I've disapointed no one by not giving gifts. My mom's sad she didn't get to see me, but it's not our first dec 25th apart.. wow that was a good line Lauren "Everythings consequence not coicidence". I'm at the doubting point. Where I wonder if moving here was the right thing to do. Everyone back home can't stop reminding me how welcome I would be were I to return.

Thanks guys, it's a nice sentiment but leaving here would be a failure to achieve why I left in the first place. To start over, again, to try and get closer to the way I'd like to live out the rest of my life. Successful independance. To feel that I've found my place in the world and that I'm fulfilling my purpose.

Have I come any closer to that goal since moving here? Well like I said, I'm at the doubting point. I have yet to find that thing in my life that completes me. Most days I think that "thing" is a person. But I think today were I to feel a purpose above my survival I would not be so distracted by the myriad tugs of doubt and unhappiness.

For each of us there is a thing, that we have to do. Something that we have so strong a desire in our hearts for, that there can be no doubts or fears that could persuade us from that pursuit. When in the fire of that struggle all other concerns fall away as only necesities of purpose.
If I could only find that fire for something, maybe I wouldn't have the time to write these crybaby blog posts. :) Maybe the end all is to disctract ourselves to the point of never realizing we aren't who we want to be. Or where we want to be. Or even on the path to where we want to be who we want to be. But that doesn't feel right me, I've been on that path a long time now. And look where I am. Tired of distractions and having found no answers I spend Christmas morning alone contemplating the who what where when and why of myself...

Did I mention Angela is having another baby? Yeah a baby girl. Many blessings to her and her family. May they find happiness, growth and prosperity. To Chris and Erica soon to have a child of their own, may the fruit of your many labors be sweet and plentiful. You are an inspiration to the joys of the struggle. To Mike, may your troubles be eased and your generosity be rewarded ten times over in return. To Robert, I wish an easement to your spirit, and that you can see the errors of your ways, take reponsibility for them and grow. For my mother a time to rest would be my gift to you were I able to give it. Your boundless love and patience are inspiring and felt though the distance between us is great. To Jon T, patience, focus and crack chow mein. To Stizzy, clarity of mind and strenght of spirit. And a little satisfaction ;) You are a great friend and a source of positive energy in many lives keep it up! To every one I didn't name aloud, don't think you haven't crossed my mind but my fingers are getting tired.. "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony..." Lets all do something to improve our world this year. We would only be making it a better place for all our friends and family, children and neighbors.

Happy Holiday to all, and to all a good night,
Brad