Fear, Panic Attacks, Phobias
Hey, things have been pretty tough lately. I've been having panic attacks that suck real bad. It's like I'm having a heart attack but can't tell anyone because I'm "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".
I went through so many self diagnosis's of what was wrong with me. Both before and after the Er visit which really put me on to the panic attack track.. (I like how that rhymed).
My first thought was smoking grass had turned against me. It seemed like every time I smoked I started getting anxious. Uncomfortable where I was or who I was with. I had to get home. Or alone to ride it out. So I stopped smoking. Still having attacks.. but now I'm afraid to smoke cause I don't want to make it worse.. (great now we've upgraded to Phobia! funny thing is the psychotherapist I've started seeing mentioned alot of people are treating anxiety with marijuana, but but she doesn't think it's a good idea. DAM why did I pick her? :)
I had a real bad attack one day after eating at the Chinese buffet so for a short time I thought it was MSG overdose! Those of you that really know me know how much I love my Chinese food/buffet. I came home started reading all about MSG side effects and was totally convinced!! It killed me to not have any for a month and though I felt great the first three weeks when I had another round of attacks I realised that wasn't the cause.
Next to go was my old friend tobacco. I've always know I should quit always thought in the back of my head one day these things will kill me. Well now I started thinking maybe "One Day" is coming sooner rather than later! You see at this point I wasn't actually convinced that this was a mental thing. I knew there was something wrong with me physically. (And there is still a part of me that believes that now) So once again I started reading (reading into it = My Biggest Mistake) and learned about Angina and low oxygen in the blood. That's it!!! Isn't it obvious!! I'm fairly sedentary and I smoke like a chimney! Must be that!
So I quit smoking (again) it's been about six weeks. I cheated one night and had one. I'd like to blame the few drinks I had but I know better than that. Guess what, after going through tobacco and pot withdrawal over nearly the same period I'm still having panic attacks.
Last thing I'm self diagnosing myself with.. sleep apnea.. I had a few weeks where I was noticeably waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air. I looked into a sleep study and without top notch benefits I'd have to sell organs to afford it. As it is my ER visit to be told undoubtedly I'm healthy and am suffering from panic/stress attacks cost me over $900.00!!!
Now there's something to stress over! Now it's been like three months since I started this escapade to feel normal. Which by my current definition is a state of mind that doesn't distract my thoughts constantly inward. Just being able to sit silently inside and out without concern for my health, mentally or physically.
SO yeah as I mentioned briefly, I've started to see a therapist (or TheRapist as a SNL Sean Conners might say, or my Mom if she described the financially aspect of therapy) anyway not that I expect to move in leaps and bounds in just a few sessions, but I do. I'm a product of the microwave generations. Give me an answer now!! But in my head I know that isn't the best way so I will wait it out. Of course I had to cancel this week for $$ reasons...
As I was writing this post I came up with a new self diagnosis. All my life I've lived in unstable circumstances... and if I could claim one thing I've actively sought it would be a stable living situation. (although I never did much to create one, being honest). As a child having to help make mortgage payments with my savings. hearing the collection calls. Hearing about the foreclosure notices. Having my apartment in RI always in limbo. Was the building really sold or for sale? Am I going to have a place to live next week? And now it's starting again where we're having the same struggle up here. Messages on the machine everyday from the bank calling my landlord/housemate, who is also my best friend.. bills piling up mine and his.
Makes me think about that old and famous employment book "What Color is Your Parachute"
cause right now I've got the invisible kind with all the wind slits.
Brad
I went through so many self diagnosis's of what was wrong with me. Both before and after the Er visit which really put me on to the panic attack track.. (I like how that rhymed).
My first thought was smoking grass had turned against me. It seemed like every time I smoked I started getting anxious. Uncomfortable where I was or who I was with. I had to get home. Or alone to ride it out. So I stopped smoking. Still having attacks.. but now I'm afraid to smoke cause I don't want to make it worse.. (great now we've upgraded to Phobia! funny thing is the psychotherapist I've started seeing mentioned alot of people are treating anxiety with marijuana, but but she doesn't think it's a good idea. DAM why did I pick her? :)
I had a real bad attack one day after eating at the Chinese buffet so for a short time I thought it was MSG overdose! Those of you that really know me know how much I love my Chinese food/buffet. I came home started reading all about MSG side effects and was totally convinced!! It killed me to not have any for a month and though I felt great the first three weeks when I had another round of attacks I realised that wasn't the cause.
Next to go was my old friend tobacco. I've always know I should quit always thought in the back of my head one day these things will kill me. Well now I started thinking maybe "One Day" is coming sooner rather than later! You see at this point I wasn't actually convinced that this was a mental thing. I knew there was something wrong with me physically. (And there is still a part of me that believes that now) So once again I started reading (reading into it = My Biggest Mistake) and learned about Angina and low oxygen in the blood. That's it!!! Isn't it obvious!! I'm fairly sedentary and I smoke like a chimney! Must be that!
So I quit smoking (again) it's been about six weeks. I cheated one night and had one. I'd like to blame the few drinks I had but I know better than that. Guess what, after going through tobacco and pot withdrawal over nearly the same period I'm still having panic attacks.
Last thing I'm self diagnosing myself with.. sleep apnea.. I had a few weeks where I was noticeably waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air. I looked into a sleep study and without top notch benefits I'd have to sell organs to afford it. As it is my ER visit to be told undoubtedly I'm healthy and am suffering from panic/stress attacks cost me over $900.00!!!
Now there's something to stress over! Now it's been like three months since I started this escapade to feel normal. Which by my current definition is a state of mind that doesn't distract my thoughts constantly inward. Just being able to sit silently inside and out without concern for my health, mentally or physically.
SO yeah as I mentioned briefly, I've started to see a therapist (or TheRapist as a SNL Sean Conners might say, or my Mom if she described the financially aspect of therapy) anyway not that I expect to move in leaps and bounds in just a few sessions, but I do. I'm a product of the microwave generations. Give me an answer now!! But in my head I know that isn't the best way so I will wait it out. Of course I had to cancel this week for $$ reasons...
As I was writing this post I came up with a new self diagnosis. All my life I've lived in unstable circumstances... and if I could claim one thing I've actively sought it would be a stable living situation. (although I never did much to create one, being honest). As a child having to help make mortgage payments with my savings. hearing the collection calls. Hearing about the foreclosure notices. Having my apartment in RI always in limbo. Was the building really sold or for sale? Am I going to have a place to live next week? And now it's starting again where we're having the same struggle up here. Messages on the machine everyday from the bank calling my landlord/housemate, who is also my best friend.. bills piling up mine and his.
Makes me think about that old and famous employment book "What Color is Your Parachute"
cause right now I've got the invisible kind with all the wind slits.
Brad
posted by Brad O'Brien at 10:29 AM
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