Bridges for sale Cheap

Half burnt,

I wonder if will ever get to the point that people will never call me back.

I do not know why I go on these three month hiatus ('s) but to say that, it is just me. So does not everyone who knows me, know that?

(Life is fuller without contractions)

Brad

Joe's Garage

Sometimes I have a head so full of thoughts I don't know what to write.
Most times it's just empty.

Either way at this exact moment, I don't even know where to begin here. Thank goodness the spring is coming.
Even if it's still as cold as the balls of a brass monkey* out there, just seeing the sun brings warmth to my soul. Not that I'm proclaiming any new radical changes, but I'm starting to see and appreciate the minor ones...

Here's a thought for you, why can skinny people wear baggy pajama pants and a loose t-shirt and come out looking somewhat stylish, yet a heavy guy (like me) just looks unkempt and lazy?

Here's another thought for you. And let me start by paraphrasing what a friend once said to me. He said "Maybe if you don't like heavy women and wouldn't want to sleep with one, than subconsciously you don't want to sleep with yourself" So my thought was/is, do you have to find yourself sexy enough to sleep with in order to have a positive self image? Or is it just a revisiting of the old phrase "You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you". I never took that literally, but maybe... Then again loving oneself it not an area that need any assitance with.. ahem.. moving on...

Oh the doggie is barking that he wants to come in, gotta run, I'll save some more for later ;)

B


*(where is this poor frozen monkey we've all heard so much about and why isn't he holding fireplace pokers where he could stay warm?)

Aristotle

"Now those activities are desirable in themselves from which nothing is sought other than the activity; and virtuous actions are regarded as being in this nature, for to do good and noble deeds is a thing desirable for it's own sake"

(Ethics)

Monkey See, Monkey Blahg...

G'morning and a pleasant day to all ye who enter.

I skipped the "song title" blahg title this morning but if you really want to know what it might have been, lets try, "Perfect Love Gone Wrong". (Sting)

I've been realizing how much I have changed. There has been so much growing up from child, to young man, to Adult. The last five years have been a tremendous departure from the 25 prior. And now approaching Thirty years of age, I'm beginning to feel that I am gaining some small measure of perspective. The last 12 years, from legal adult-hood to the mark of the third decade I can see that I am not the same person I once was. (I will also add that no one can or would be the same person after ten years...)

So what has shaped me more than anything in life so far? I think it's my desire for a perfect love. And how each time I have thought I had it it just fell away.

Music, music, music made me special, made me talented made me happy. Occupied all my free time as soon as I truly discovered it. And after a few years of being young and not knowing what to do with it, the fire faded and I was bored again.

And then there was church. As a youth, not being involved in really any kind of relationship, particularly of the girlfriend variety, I felt like I was so very much missing something. And then I found church, where I could build all these great relationships and friendships, learn new things and keep busy. Starting with Sundays, then Sundays and Tuesday nights. Before long I was buried in it everyday and night of the week that I could find something to occupy myself to keep my thoughts from straying to fact that I still felt something was missing. While not why I left, I knew I wasn't finding what I was looking for there.

So out in to the great blue world. Bands and music were a time filler, with that allure of "possibility". I have said on many occasions that I felt the potential to do something is equal to the task completed. (What a croc o' shit) "potential" and "possibility" That I might make a living doing something which comes easy to me. That being out on stage in the spot light that I might meet someone.

And I did, and for it's moment the dream was alive and well, and she was great, except not really. Infatuation is great. I was under the belief that I held something special and sacred. I had found the gold in the bottom of the river but came to find out later, it was only pyrite. And probably as doomed to fail as Rome right from the start. Crushed, dashed on the rocks on the shore of the rest of my life. The First love of my adult life was over before I had any idea of what that meant or how it changed me as a person.

So then for a brief moment back to music, that which had been with me all throughout and there went the band... I had all my faith and hope and trust in the band. This was it this was the one I had been practicing for my whole life. (insert the most annoying sound in the world here) wrong again.

And then the fling, oh yeah the fling. Mmmmmm. Well as much as it sucked that it didn't work out. I'm better for it and should've known better anyway. Not because of her, but because of me. And though I do believe I knew her better, than what she believed, and better than what maybe she thought I was ignorant of. I knew more than what I could accept. But I was still willing to accept it. But it was only my yearning for it to work that made it so painful when it didn't.

I said to Jon just a day or so ago, how my whole life I've felt like life starts at marriage. When you don't feel like your waiting for anything else in life. I'm pretty sure it's a cop-out. But right now it's what's working for me.

Or not, I don't know if this blahgs a statement or a question. And I know I haven't actually gotten to explaining how I feel that I have changed as a person. Bitter, calloused, resentful, disappointed, tired, lonesome all come to mind. But these aren't complete enough words together or alone to be truth.

Still working it out,
Brad

Searching/Finding

Haha,
Now that I know certain people might read my blahg I'm fighting the urge to censor myself. And I'm loosing the fight. Fortunately I really should be getting ready for work, as I only have about 45 minutes to do so. So my questions, made for answers I don't want to hear, will have to wait for another day.


Blahg... I like it.
B