It's Friday night and I ain't got nobody...

I got some money because I just got paid....
Of course as per usual I don't have anything to do, or more to the point care to do anything... I thought I was going to have to go into work but guess not. Wahoo! Of course I'm sure I could have used the money but hey, who can put a price on my time right? Oh yeah I do, by agreeing that I will show up and fulfill my duties for an agreed upon wage, which thank the gods was just increased, I hadn't seen a raise (other that for my promotion) in almost two years... Hmmm been talking to Ang alot, she is doing well despite just getting over a nasty bug. And I've been chilling with Stacie a bit too. Chell's and cheese called last night but I didn't get to it.

Now here's one of those things, ahhh never mind, I guess Ang was right it is tough to really consider this a journal especially since I send everyone the link to it. I can't feel comfortable talking about everything or everyone, because I think in the back of my head they might read it... Though I have very little belief that anyone is wasting time checking out what I have to say or think on a regular basis (haha Mike) my only regular commenter, his blog is linked to mine on the right side of this page Maybe I'll get over it and say what I'm really thinking feeling at some point. I don't believe that I would offend anyone, I have nothing but love for those wonderful women who have shared time with me. Usually I'm beating myself up, thinking that somehow it's all my fault it didn't work out. And worse yet that somehow that makes me a/the bad guy. But that's not really how it works out usually. Partly because I'm not a bad guy. (anyone care to argue?) and mostly because I know that relationships rarely work for anyone, despite how hard they try....
I don't mind being alone, I just hate feeling lonely. I guess that's why I take breakups so hard. For a brief time I forget that I was ever alone, and just live in that moment as hard as I can. I'm such a sucker, I have a hard time falling asleep when I'm sharing my bed with someone, I could write a song about why, but wait aerosmith already did that... Anyway, when the moments over, I feel like I'll be alone again forever. Though the last few years have proven me wrong. I had a funny realization the other day, in the last five years I've dated more women than in the twenty four years prior! And yes that statistic holds true to the other good things as well.
So I should be smiling, because in the grand view, I'm doing better than ever....
Except for tonight, bored, lonely and strangely enjoying my misery.
Brad

Not really that busy...

So much for the "I'm going to write in this blog everyday" mentality...
Ahem, that being said, I haven't really been thaaaaaat busy, just getting home from work tired, playing my three to five games of chess with austin and then re-reading the harry potter books till I can't hold my head up anymore... Then it's wake up late, walk the dog, adn in the last few days, play some empire earth. It's really a very fun game. And it is also very addictive.
Wow why does it always take me so long to get to the truth? Ok I haven't been writing because I've been playing a video game. Not my usual fanfare... anyway... hmmm We did take downs in my MMA class today and some punch kick combo's that were cool. It's pretty amazing having my instructor pick me up and body slam me lol.... Especially considering he's almost hundred pounds lighter than me. I"m at work now, got all the machines going and just feeding the little beasties... but I should be paying attention so I'll let ya'll go.
But I'll be writing more soon, if I can get away from that dam game...
Brad

Serving Two Masters

"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else...."
Two Masters, that would be simple! How many masters a day do you think you serve? Why just at my work I serve my direct supervisor, I serve each customer that I deal with, each order that I process is my master. I must answer the phone, compelled I must serve the master of the phone. I must complete this order by 5:15 p.m. my master needs copies....
At home, my rent is my master, along with the electric, phone and gas companies. All of them telling me, that I must give unto them a sacrifice, the fruit of my labors, in exchange for their blessing in my life. My addiction to tobacco is my master, if I don't burn the incense of Phillip and RJ regularly they curse me with foul tempers and cause me countless aggravations. Then I must also serve my stomach who will relentlessly torment me until I have satiated it's desires, any time day or night, despite the ill effect it will have on my self esteem later. (ok that last bit was just silly...)
Sometimes our friends are our masters. When we know we must submit to them either in a decision or an action. Sometimes our parents are our masters, who better to make you do things you rather not, and just because they say so? OH yeah. Masterful.
If you get stressed out thinking your life is out of your control. Don't freak out, your not alone. No one is really in control. We all have outside influences controlling our lives. And if you want to argue this point, first consider this. Can you live without food? No... Could you live without electricity? Maybe, but would you want to? And if you didn't want to live without electricity, what would you sacrifice for it? Money. I don't think any of us are going to be riding a bike to power that 15,000 btu air conditioner you just bought, when your master, comfort came calling...
So money becomes our master, our need for it directs the course and content of so many of our lives... Even when there is no individual outside of yourself that you could deny being your master, your own desires sell you out.
Desires to be comfortable, happy, secure or content. These are truly your masters because YOU set them above all other things. And unfortunately these too, these intangible qualities of life, come at a price. To be comfortable, we may give up the comforts of time we can never get back. To feel secure, we succumb to the concept of fear, and the notion that we aren't safe. Oh dam, I'm about to be killed, the phones ringing, several of my masters are calling... Gotta run, talk to you soon,
Your humble servant,
Brad

Ten Year Reunion??

Howdy all,
I'm feeling alot better today, thanks for asking. So has anyone tried the site classmates.com? Just got a letter from a friend I haven't heard from in many years. She told how well she was doing, getting ready for her new baby. But she asked me if I had heard anything about our ten year class reunion. Ummmm no. Then I realized that the only person I've kept in contact with at all since high school, owns an awesome resturant that I frequent for breakfast. And I ran into him at the resturant just a few years ago... So here's me, aparment renting living just better than week to week. And the few people that I know from my school days are married and or running their own successful business's. Makes me wonder, where or if, I went wrong. Must have been the grass. I heard Chris Rock make fun of people who take pride in doing the right thing. People who say things like "well I didn't steal that tv, so I'm not a bad guy" or "I couldv'e killed him, but I didn't, I just beat him up.." and think that they are good people. lol. I guess I've kind of done the same thing. I've kept a good job for a long time. I've had the same apartment, which I try hard to keep clean and inviting, for almost seven years. I care for the people in my life with all my heart. I don't lie, cheat, steal or hurt people with ill intent. But that doesn't make me a good person. Thats just the base, a bottom line of decency. So what am I supposed to do? ha! Being a good person should just be the begining, then there should be some kind of self sacrifice I think. Do the right things, and then do good things. Making millions doesn't make your life meaningful. (Would make it alot easier though lol.) So anyway, makes me wonder how I'm going to feel when I find out if we are having our ten year reunion. Should I feel proud of the man that I've become, yeah I am. But I think I'm still going to feel like that kid that I was in high school. And I don't know if thats a good or bad thing? Ok, I'll try to finish this post with some kind of point later, off to Moi Thai, class haiya!

For better and for worse...

Now seriously,
We all have some kind of history. Maybe I've been ignorantly lucky in never having thought of mine. I've always thought of myself as living in some kind of hermitude. And every once in a while some kind soul would stop into my life and show me that Karma has some gratitude for my struggle to be a good man. Never had to concern myself with anyone else, though I always thought I wanted to. I guess I'm realizing some nasty facts about myself lately. So like I said for better or for worse I've have a lot of my past coming back into view. Nasty facts, I'm self centered. I'm vain. And worse than vain I'm shallow. I fear commitment. I'm addicted to cigarettes, food and the sound of my own voice. I let other people into my life, with only the hope that they will improve my life. Somehow make me happy or at the very least tell me things I want to hear. I've had women who loved me, that I couldn't commit to. That I wouldn't sacrifice my own self comforts for. I've been with women that didn't love me, that I might have given anything for, just because I wanted to feel worthy of their affections. Now why in the hell do I want to share all of this with any of you? Because I know that so many of my closest friends know all this about me. They know all these things that I've said here this morning. Most likely some of them know these faults in my character better than I do. As they have watched me "suffer" the consequences of my choices, time and again. But still they love me, and that's why I hold you all in such high regard. We all have faults, and it's in finding where the good out weighs the bad that we can appreciate people for who they are. And love each other faults and all...
For better and for worse,
Brad O'Brien

I don't feel so good....

Ever have someone in your life that could make your stomach flip.
And I mean really flip, over and over, like the last burger patty at 3 am on a new york system griddle?
And not in the good way?
Someone that you may not have heard from in so long you think, I might not ever hear from them again.
Lo and behold, speak of the devil, your phone begins to ring.
Is that a sympathetic vibration shared via their eardrum??
And why does it hurt me so?
HA!
Just kidding.
Ok maybe not, I really do feel ill.
hmmmmm check out the poetry page and read "miss ignorance"

Coffee and Fig Newtons

"It's just another manic Monday, I wish it were a Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day" No not really, I think I covered that yesterday. I suppose I should get myself some motivation and take the boy (dog) to the park... Now there is an interesting point, yeah I call him my boy. I wonder if dogs are mans best friend because men can't bear children? I'm not the most classically educated man, but I believe that the perception regarding a lot of men's "issues" is thought to stem from our lack of ability to create... Create life anyway, some say men create through science and engineering to compensate. Well I create music and poetry but I don't think\ that's because I can't get pregnant. But I will admit that I wanted to get a dog in part to fulfill a quasi parental instinct in me, that was struggling to get out. And then there is the other part....
Now those of you that have known me a while, know I'm single. And despite the film industries view of the amazing single life, I'm not a big fan of it myself.

But despite my incessant loneliness I come home everyday and there is this amazingly cheerful character, running around like mad, so happy to see me. His tail is waggin like mad. He is running around my legs sniffing and hopping up and down. (not jumping mind you, he's very well behaved) It's a great feeling knowing my boy is happy to see me come home. And I don't think it's just the food and water, I think he really likes me.... So for me knowing there is someone at home, that loves and appreciates me, unconditionally. Who relies on me to be there for him, to take care of, and feed him. In return, I rely on him to brighten my day and keep me company when I would otherwise be alone. It really lends credit to the notion of mans best friend. Of course for you fine folk fortunate enough to have found a mate with whom you truly share your lives. I'm sure that this sentiment is not lost on you, although considering I'm referring to a canine might make you a little skeptical of my thinking..
Then there are those kind souls, who shared that feeling intensely for a while, only to see it pass away. Remember all things in this life require energy, if your fires burn too bright they will burn out quickly. Better to burn only what is needed, to keep warm, and to light your path. Now maybe in that time you shared your love with someone, you were blessed enough to have children. You more readily than anyone, can understand my appreciation for a love that never leaves you, unconditional and always energizing, for that is the love of a child. Enjoy them as a blessing in your life, respect and honor them with your love and honesty and you will only get the same in return.

You may or may not know, I named my little boy "Professor", I joke from time to time that his name comes from the fact that he has taught me patience, but really it's responsibility, and that is what I'm becoming more educated in the art of. And that can never be a bad thing. Responsibility requires patience, understanding and faith. Patience to see that persistent consistency builds trust. Understanding that every living thing has its own perspective and that we need to respect that in order to receive the same courtesy of our own views. And faith that though we may be imperfect beings ourselves, constantly seeking to do our best in what we know is good and right, we will prevail in raising our children to be good people, making our families stronger and more loving, and taking care of a mans best friend.

Although I think this morning my Professor may give me a C minus
since we haven't left for the park yet!
Till next time, in the immortal words of Adam Sandler
"Share baby share...."

Sunday Pay, is Time and One Half Per Hour

Oh yeah, it's Sunday.
Shame I have to work today, but I guess the state recognizes my deep personal sacrifice. I have a hard time complaining about getting paid %50 percent more an hour just because a lot of people would rather be at church.
Now granted there was a time when I might have felt the same way. But that time is long since gone from me. Not that I'm no longer a spiritual man, but I don't believe a particular building houses the divine spiritual consciousness. Any more than my apartment is the true dwelling place for my spirit.
Care to disagree? Dust off your old copy of the "good book" (or is it just mine that's dusty?) and read it it again. You may be reminded that the body is the temple of the spirit. Which in turn leads me to believe that it is the congregation, the people of faith, that are the dwelling place of divinity. That's right, it's in the people, so yes when you gather a large enough number of believers, that spirit is also there. Where did this come from, do I really think anyone cares about "Sunday go to meetings" anymore? Who knows I might be "preaching" to the digital choir on this one. You might not even want to hear me mentioning church, even though I studiously avoided the word god (small "g" because I was refering to the word not to... well... the big "G") I can only vouch for my own experiences, and even some of those are questionable... But remember to keep in mind today, if you decide to attend a religious gathering, stay home and be with your family or get high and play video games.
I might be working today,
but I'm getting paid way too much for it!

Mr Saturday Night

Lets try a new font. No lets not....

Doesn't it sound like I'm having the coolest Saturday night?

OK well that about sums it up. That may very well be the highlight of my night.

Or maybe it's the fact that after spending all day trying to set up and install a wireless network here at home... And got it working, then it didn't, then it did, then it didn't' then, and then, then..

To finally be online and using this E-fernal torture device.

UGH!!!! Yeah there's two apples upstairs I'm getting connected. Not to mention the notebook PC and this machine down stairs.... Worse part for me? It's all new stuff.

Now here is me.... If it's broke I can fix it....

But when it's all brand new and doesn't work. The hair starts graying and falling out as I disconnect and reconnect and reboot and unplug and replug.

(why don't they put on off switches on anything anymore?)

I hope I do not have too delve to deep yet again

into the massive frustrations that plagued my afternoon.

No I won't do it.

To quote a good friend

"You're not the king of me!"

"So wouldn't it be nice..."

G'morning all you crazy cats and kittens out there in cyberland.. The sky is grey again and I got like six hours of sleep last night... dam that knife show. oh yeah!

Played a bunch of chess yesterday, though I ended up down for the day like 3 wins 6 losses.. No good I tell ya, no good. Getting back to it, the knife show was still going strong at three a.m. but I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer, Tom left, I went to bed. Professor had free roam of the house and he was very well behaved, didn't get into anything or tear anything up. YAY!

Now here's where it gets fun, at some point this morning I heard Jon's door open up and somehow I instictively realized that my door was open (for those that don't know our bedroom doors face eachother in front of the water closet) Now also, and not in parenthesis because I just did that, might I mention I sleep in the buff. Sorry if you didn't need to hear that, but it definately plays an important role in our discussion this morning. Anyway! I heard Jon's door open, realized instantly that mine was open as well, I thought to myself quickly that I didn't know what was under the covers and what wasn't.... eek. (not so much for me, but does jon really want to see that first thing in the morning?) So I quickly rolled over and now thinking I'm all good. Fell back to sleep in a flash.
Now in this scene we would have a dream sequence montage... along with a time lapse shot of my clock speeding it's way to about 9am. That's about when professor had finally had enough of waiting for me to get up on my own, and started his series of "get up you lazy bastard" jumping on and off the bed, licking and crying.
I get up take him out, walk back in, phone rings, use, another, comma, for, no, reason, and it's Jon's father knock on the old door wake him up. head to the head for my own a.m. constitutional. After a few dozen pages of "the goblet of fire" I come out of the "second office" with a new "pep" in my step.
Jon quickly relieves me of my pride, with a brusque "hey dude, niiiiiice bum"
Yeah I guess when I flipped over, I uncovered more than I covered. And it was all backyard as far as the eye could see... So that was the compliment that started my day......

Eh, tell me something I don't know.... Till later when I've had more coffee or something more interesting happen.
once loved,
B.
(p.s. spell checker wasnt working this morning)

Another Grey Day....

Ok, so another day, another... ahh who am I kidding, still broke.
So I got dsl today, now I can spew my vocal waste not only with vehement force but also with efficiency! And for just pennies a day! Nothing really much else to say as of this morning. But I figure I will keep writing as little or as much as I'm motivated too until someone tells me I should stop. Oh also if anyone find this
OB's Experiment will be playing an opening slot thursday November tenth at the living room. We will be going on about 8 or 8:30 opening up for, well two groups I've never heard of and can't remember the names of right now...
More info to come...

This picture is from a while ago
thats my pup at 4 months old
(he's almost a year now!)

Something I need to share

(An excerpt from a letter to the wife of Nathaniel Hawthorn, written by Melville)

"We can't help ourselves"
For tho' we know what we ought to be; & what it would be very sweet & beautiful to be; yet we can't be it. That is most sad, too. Life is a long Dardenelles, My Dear Madam, the shores whereof are bright with flowers, which we want to pluck, but the bank is too high; & so we float on & on, hoping to come to a landing-place at last -- but swoop! we launch into the great sea! Yet the geographers say, even then we must not despair, because across the great sea, however desolate & vacant it may look, lie all Persia & the delicious lands roundabout Damascus.
So wishing you a pleasant voyage at last to that sweet & far countree --
Beleive Me Earnestly Thine--
Herman Melville

God why haven't I though of this before?

Another way to amuse myself and force my uninvited opinon on the rest of humanity?
All under the guise of self expression in a new found digital comunity?
YAY for me that I have found the blog..
Pity the poor fools wasting their time, like sailors adrift in the songs of sirens, reading this malarky.
HI I'm Brad Nice to meet ya.